The Second Funeral of Napoleon
Page: 3

certainly. And as we can't be virtuous, let us be decent.
Figleaves are a very decent, becoming wear, and have been now in
fashion for four thousand years. And so, my dear, history is
written on fig-leaves. Would you have anything further? O fie!

Yes, four thousand years ago that famous tree was planted. At their
very first lie, our first parents made for it, and there it is still
the great Humbug Plant, stretching its wide arms, and sheltering
beneath its leaves, as broad and green as ever, all the generations
of men. Thus, my dear, coquettes of your fascinating sex cover
their persons with figgery, fantastically arranged, and call their
masquerading, modesty. Cowards fig themselves out fiercely as
"salvage men," and make us believe that they are warriors. Fools
look very solemnly out from the dusk of the leaves, and we fancy in
the gloom that they are sages. And many a man sets a great wreath
about his pate and struts abroad a hero, whose claims we would all
of us laugh at, could we but remove the ornament and see his
numskull bare.

And such--(excuse my sermonizing)--such is the constitution of
mankind, that men have, as it were, entered into a compact among
themselves to pursue the fig-leaf system a l'outrance, and to cry
down all who oppose it. Humbug they will have. Humbugs themselves,
they will respect humbugs. Their daily victuals of life must be
seasoned with humbug. Certain things are there in the world that
they will not allow to be called by their right names, and will
insist upon our admiring, whether we will or no. Woe be to the man
who would enter too far into the recesses of that magnificent temple
where our Goddess is enshrined, peep through the vast embroidered
curtains indiscreetly, penetrate the secret of secrets, and expose
the Gammon of Gammons! And as you must not peer too curiously
within, so neither must you remain scornfully without. Humbug-
worshippers, let us come into our great temple regularly and
decently: take our seats, and settle our clothes decently; open our
books, and go through the service with decent gravity; listen, and
be decently affected by the expositions of the decent priest of the